May I address your concerns item by item:
I have a car. I do not drive my car down winding alpine passes as the sun glistens off the red paint.
My remuneration package is in line with the industry standard. I am not flush with success and cash and saving a fascist space race with my blond hair and flawless complexion. Our rates are lower than the competition in order to ensure future business success, I am aware that this may mean that you have no money currently, but at least you may have a job at this time next year.
I am not a poet, I am an employee.
I can reassure you that there are no plans to restructure your department at this time. There are no bandits at twelve o'clock. There are no depth charges today. This is not an atlantic convoy.
I have been asked to remind you that your contract does specify quite clearly that the company reserves the right to ask this of you at such times as it may be required.
Your suggestion that a supply of land snails and green leaves should be included within the equipment provided to all new-starters thus providing a self-perpetuating supply of nutritious protein has been noted.
I am not listening to whispers and reporting back. I am not launching a revenge attack. I am not speaking to lawyers. I have not spoken to some old mates. I have not provided an alibi.
Your detailed plans for a deep-bunker complex have been passed to the committee for review. As requested, I have specifically drawn their attention to the spinning disk hallucinatron device. I am not qualified to advise you regarding the filing of patents or trademarks. I have been asked by Finance to emphasise that even if approved, it may be that there are insufficient funds within the capital expenditure budget to cover the cost of such a project within the current fiscal year.
I have never circulated internal e-mails that propose the annexation of Baltic states through the use of small mercenary teams to be recruited internally. I have not suggested that this is a suicide mission.
I am aware that rats outnumber humans in most major urban conurbations. I do not have a tail and whiskers. I have not stolen the pennies from dead men's eyes.
Yes, I did suggest that the prices of food in the vending machines should be raised. Please note that this increase is the first in three years and is therefore still below inflation (3%).
I have never considered T. S. Eliot, Rudyard Kipling or Baden Powell as potential life-partners.