Two Fictions
Craig Snyder

Instruction Manual for Robots who want to collect Comic Books

First go to a comic book store. Look at comics. Do you like Batman? Look at Batman comics. Look at guy behind register. Is he eating potato chips? That is a bad sign.
Choose the comics you want to buy. Make sure you have money. Make sure your hands are not sweaty with robot oil. Make sure that each copy of the comics you want is perfect in every way. No dents or dings or folded edges or fingerprint smears. This is called mint condition.
Comics are a fragile medium.
Ask register guy to put each comic in a comic bag with backing board. He might look at you strangely. This is critical. Be polite but make him do it. Watch him with narrow eyes. If he starts shoving your comics into the bags and getting attitude with you it means he does not love comics.
Shoot him with your laser beam if this happens. Use lowest setting. Shoot to maim, not to kill.
If he handles your comics carefully and starts talking about how Marvel Comics is doing a shitty job with Spiderman, you have found a friend and maybe a lover. Always go back to this store to buy your comics.
IMPORTANT: Store your comics in special comic boxes! You have to buy these at the comic book store! Keep them away from light and heat! Don't store them in your basement!

you put a condom on my computer and may have aztec blood and possibly many robots

I have lost my internet connection somehow. I am a crippled bitch now. Whatever, dude.
My one sensation about this is the sensation of having my hands chopped off (with an axe) and my eyeballs scooped out (with a melon baller). That is two sensations but it feels like one big sensation.
Now I have to go into town which is like ten miles. I have to ride my bike and sweat like a pig. Deer flies chase me and land in my hair. Deer flies will never stop chasing me. Never. When I get into town I have to sit like a feeb at a public access terminal at the university and stare at MySpace idiots. Sad fuckers.
I feel am very superior to them.
I lurk and send e-mail and post to message boards. I write a new story. I type it into NOTEPAD and convert it to HTML. I do not use Word to write my stories like all the pussy writers I know. I write in HTML and you cannot do that because you are a pussy.
I don't know why I just wrote that. I think I am being influenced by technology.
My new story is full of sexy girl robots armored in chromium, and some ninjas.
When light hits the armor all the colors of the rainbow are reflected. Everyone will want to read this story and it will win some kind of award, which I will disdain. All the girl robots in the story are 19 and very depressed and have luscious boobs. No one understands how intelligent they are and no one cares. It's all boobs, man.
I throw in some terrorists too. What the hell.