I Would Kiss Him Back All Over Too
Ben Segal

(1) Thylacines, known also as Tasmanian Tigers, were striped canids native to the Australian island of Tasmania. They were short and wiry, nearly wolves, distinctively striped from mid-torso to tail.

(2) Monica loves Chris. The newspaper says she is missing, that she was last seen and where and by whom. There is no ransom note, so Monica is probably either in a fugue state or killed.

(3) Thylacines were not actually canids. They belonged to a completely unique family of marsupial wolves. Their jaws opened almost back to their eyes and they could hunt in the island's low trees.

(4) If Monica is wandering in a fugue state, she is not Monica but a kind of ghost. If Monica is dead but not known dead, she is a kind of ghost. Therefor Monica is a ghost. Monica is a kind of ghost or a ghost. The newspaper does not say which.

(5) Though sightings persist, the thylacine is believed to have gone extinct some time in the 1930s. I like to watch videos of the last known thylacine opening his jaws and pacing about his little concrete cage in the Sydney Zoo.

(6) Things that you see that are dead are what are ghosts. When these things are captured and are not dead, they are thereby unghosted. If these things are captured and are dead, they are also unghosted. They are then unghosted unless they are still seen moving later. That is, if something is seen moving but it has a dead and not moving body, it is still a ghost, even if the dead body has been captured.

(7) Chris is a thylacine, but he walks on two legs like a person and smokes cigarettes like some people and some trained animals. Because his jaws open so wide, Chris is good at swallowing things. Because he is a thylacine, Chris is a ghost. Because Monica is dead or in a fugue state, Monica is a ghost.

(8) If Monica and Chris were to capture Monica and Chris and they were both alive or dead and not also moving in places apart from their bodies, Monica and Chris would not be ghosts. If Monica and Chris were not ghosts, then Monica could say to Chris "I hereby take you as my lawfully wedded husband" and Chris could say to Monica "I hereby take you as my lawfully wedded wife" and if they were in what are called felicitous circumstances they would thereby be Man and Wife.

(9) If Monica wandered into my apartment I would call the police quickly so she could be confirmed as Monica. Otherwise Monica would be a ghost and my apartment would be haunted and I would have to move to a different apartment. If Monica wandered into my apartment she almost certainly would be in a fugue state and not dead.

(10) If Chris wandered into my apartment I would light his cigarette and run my hand along his stripes. I would ask him if he had seen Monica and he would kiss me all over and chafe me with the fur of his snout.