The deck fell into the lake and my father either drowned or died of
impact. Nobody could tell me which.
When I was seventeen, a girl named Jo convinced me to drop acid in
the backseat of her father's T-bird. A little while later, I broke my
father's jaw, convinced I was in love, above the law, worth more,
basically alive. I honestly lost all my hair too early.
About my son, I have postcards. He's been to San Francisco and Manila
Bay. There's one that has just a hand print on the back. Another says
just the time. I wish a delay would come down and take me. When I
think of him, there is not a name to speak.
For fun, for entertainment purposes only, I called my father while
high. There's a little blue phone on 42nd and it was raining. Jo held
my arm. There are moments in life where everything rattles together
and makes a puddle in your mind. God, I can't leap over this one: I
cried into that receiver -- my father bald, alone, slack jawed. What did
we say to each other but our luck?
I was there at the birth and it was 2 A. M. I'd cut my hair to
emphasize my skull. Some people have skulls that work for them, other
people make due and shrug. My boy came out like a two month old. This
is a two month old, said the nurses. He opens his eyes and flexes.
So when Jo left I started working at the bolt factory. Sometimes I'd
count ten thousand bolts in one day. Jo would call and leave little
messages about the boy: Today he stuck his own thumb in his mouth.
Today he laughed at your picture. I always wanted the best for the
boy. I have a whole collection of unused sports balls in my back room.
And when my father died I came to the cabin. There was not a floor
anywhere or a chair in place. Substantial winds were the official
cause of death. I sat at the shore to let that in. My father was a
pilot in the Air Force -- a ducking between mountains sort of thing. I'm
not saying much in this life. I'm not alive the way I used to be.
There's a delay between what I am and the way a plot truly unfolds.
But here's a puddle to jump: it's 2:40, you're in love, please god
open your eyes.