The Gigantic-Baby Presentation
Steve Gilmartin

As you know, we've advanced through the process of gigantic baby creation to the point of implementing the kinds of babies only dreamed of in generations past. And though testing has revealed a few "flaws" or "irregularities," I believe it would be more accurate to call these "unintended utilizations." Let's take a look at the most recent trial. Lights, please.
Here you can see the gigantic babies snapping downtown luxury hotels A and B into place. Little gigantic babies, meanwhile, are assembling the hotel interiors. Fueled by a steady supply of sugar and soft food, both the gigantic and the little gigantic babies constructing Hotel A (the control group) work silently and efficiently, and the hotel is completed and open for occupancy within a matter of hours. Next slide.
The last of the gigantic babies assigned to Hotel A is lifted from the area by teams of helicopters even as white stretch limousines begin arriving at the hotel entrance. Slide.
But the work of the babies attending to Hotel B (the test group) has become complicated. The gigantic babies assigned to the exterior are doing fine, but -- slide -- there is trouble brewing with the little gigantic babies working on the interior. Note how one of our highly trained technicians has his hand on the dimmer switch controlling the chandeliers.
If you'll recall, a power outage in the middle of the previous trial induced an unplanned fear-based inter-infant system loop resulting in transient little gigantic baby small motor impairment that fell far beyond the scope of what one might expect from the withdrawal of ordinary visual stimulus. Of course, the ensuing vocalizations are all that people tend to remember about that test. But these sounds, along with the spasmodic movements, were for us the clear physical manifestation of a significant, albeit uncontrolled, intensification of energy that, if properly harnessed, could vastly increase the use potentialities of the babies. Thus the decision in this trial to adhere to a dimmer-switch lighting strategy. Next slide.
Here the technician has dimmed the light to one-quarter of its former strength. Note the little gigantic babies' clenched fists, their grimaces. This body language offers a hint of what's to come. The chandeliers were their favorites, so shiny and bright. And now all that once made the light seem so magical has faded. Slide.
The little gigantic babies begin destroying everything within reach. Slide. The level of devastation is great; note how even after light is fully restored, the little gigantic babies continue to demolish whatever they can. Next.
Thanks to the application of state-of-the-art computer modeling during the last interim trial period, this response was in fact predicted. However, simulations clearly indicated that total reliance on lighting variables would have rapidly diminishing effects even over the short term. Notice what happens now. Slide.
The little gigantic babies' attention is caught as the central lobby fountain springs to life with dazzling jets of arcing water. And in some obscure corner of the little gigantic babies' undeveloped cerebral cortices, the sight of the water arching through the air and the sunlight playing off the water must seem like some beautifully intricate dance. Slide. Surprisingly, they begin to repair the fountain's damaged ceramic tiles and foundation, once again working with a high degree of organization and cooperation. Slide.
But now the water in the fountain has suddenly stopped. The reaction? Slide. It's clear from this little gigantic baby's significant facial distortion that he has become angry -- very angry. Slide.
The little gigantic babies, in fact, again begin to rampage. Slide.
Attempts to reactivate the by now severely damaged fountain are unproductive. A polished registration desk handbell is placed before them but is instantly crushed -- the little gigantic babies can no longer be calmed. Next slide.
Outside, the gigantic babies continue to snap the hotel into place, performing their task flawlessly. They are oblivious to the problems in the lobby caused by the frustration and lack of cognitive development of the interior babies. Next slide.
But now they hear noises coming from inside. A curious rumbling vibration shoots from the lobby, shaking the ground; the gigantic babies watch with interest. Slide.
Suddenly a group of little gigantic babies crashes out of the entranceway, and -- next slide -- whole sections of the hotel exterior are dislodged. Through these gaps the gigantic babies can see that something is terribly wrong; there is a great messiness, and crushed objects and bits of the lobby are strewn everywhere. Next slide.
The hotel begins to tremble and leans to one side. Upper sections of the hotel exterior buckle and tumble down, bouncing against the pavement and over the gigantic babies' bare feet. Next.
The gigantic babies watch as the little gigantic babies, arms flailing, stagger and crawl about in outraged circles in front of the hotel, uprooting streetlights, tipping over cars, generally destroying whatever is in the way. Pieces of the hotel continue to clatter down. Next slide.
The gigantic babies have done just what they were supposed to do. They have worked too long and hard to let these other babies spoil everything. They want to stop the little gigantic babies. They are very very angry. Lights.
No doubt you've all heard or read the reports about what happened next. But in focusing on only the most sensational aspects of the trial and judging it a failure, the media missed the real story: that the enormous energies of these babies can be harnessed through modulations of simple external stimuli along a scalable and very predictable continuum of physical-mental development. This has vast and exciting implications for us as we continue to grow into our market maturity.
I have a minute or two for questions. Yes?

Q: Philip Draper, Gigantic Baby Quarterly.
A: Congratulations on your great first issue, Phil.

Q: Thank you, sir. When can we start referring to these as GBs, LGBs, or the like? A number of people are finding the current terminology quite cumbersome.
A: The two primary working groups on standards are coming together next week to try to set up a common working definition of what precisely constitutes gigantic babies and little gigantic babies. We are hopeful that a universal standard can be established by the end of the year. This will be legitimated by the creation of official designations and accompanying abbreviations.

Q: Heidi Aguilar, American Baby. What about the smell? I noticed oxygen mask vendors in the slide of the celebrities arriving to check into Hotel A.
A: Yes. Fortunately breathing devices were in this year. But what was once viewed as an intractable problem has been substantially mitigated by the careful choice of specially designed foods in conjunction with some major breakthroughs in the area of diaper development. We find that the smell dissipates entirely within a 24- to 48-hour period, and we expect even this to be halved by the end of the year.

Q: James P. Wheatstraw, Defense Procurement Analysis. The gigantic babies don't exactly "blend in." How do you intend to conduct further tests without attracting unwanted attention?
A: Good question. We believe we're at that stage of development where vast stretches of uninhabited, subleased federally protected land might be appropriate.

Q: Quick follow-up. Do you consider the gigantic babies to be dual-use at this point?
A: Well, your boss sent you here, James. That should tell you something.

Q: Armand Bluestone, Reinforced Plastics Biweekly. Does this most recent trial represent the end of the focus on large-scale building projects?
A: I'm confident that aspect of our program will continue, hopefully for --

Q: This is the seventh trial!
A: Please state your name and affiliation.

Q: Seven! All of them -- all! -- involving hotel construction!
A: I'm sure we all know that an arrangement was reached with the National Federation of Hoteliers whereby. . . You're quite close enough, no need to approach the podium. Security?

Q: But what about some PUBLIC projects? What about. . .
A: Excuse me, can we have some security at the podium? Next question?

Q: . . . sports arenas and prisons?
A: Speaking of which. . . Thank you, security. Yes, take him through that door. I apologize to everyone for that disturbance. But to respond to his question, we are in contact with various states regarding a number of multiphase correctional construction projects. That's all I can say pending completion of our negotiations. We have time for one more question. Yes?

Q: Elliot Miller, Applied Infancy Bulletin. I noticed just now that.. . . what are they? Littler gigantic babies?
A: The working term is "even littler gigantic babies," actually.

Q: Weren't they functioning just now as security guards?
A: Thanks for noticing. Yes, this has been in development. Glad we were given this unexpected opportunity to try them out.

Q: Very impressive.