The Elephant
Jim Goar

"Two million nine hundred twenty three thousand one hundred seventy nine Big Macs and a Diet Coke."
"What size?"
"Medium. Large. No, medium."
"Will that be all?"
"Uh huh."
"Please pull up to the first window."


An elephant crawls under my house. Floor boards creak. Water lines burst. All dry land is soon gone. For eleven months I await the plumber. Just when I think I've been forgotten the red faced bird arrives. It's come to borrow a pinch of thyme. I ask it for some help. It tells me to use a wrench. I do. The flooding stops. I open my cabinet. All the thyme is gone. I give the bird an olive instead.


When I learn that Dumbo is showing again I know there will be problems. I warn the elephant. It pays no heed and sees the flick. Two days later it builds a nest. My neighbors complain. I bake them cookies. They call the law. The law has an idea: thirty-seven fire-eating midgets and a sad clown will persuade the elephant to join the circus. For nineteen months they try. The elephant is not swayed. I am. The clown says ok. But the midgets don't think I'm circus material.


"You, elephant, move on!"
It does not move, so I do. I settle into another hammock. The view is nice between my socks. I go to sleep. I wake. The elephant is there between my socks. I make horrendous faces at it. It does not move. I cover it in mud. When the tide goes out, I can see its feet.


I leave my eyes open and face the turned off TV. Beside it is the front door. The wind opens the door. A girl rides her bike on the sidewalk. Two red leaves fall into her basket. Her scarf has tassels and her hat a red ball which follows behind. The front wheel of her bike disengages and rolls into the street. A red convertible hits the tire. It bounces through my open door and makes itself at home.
"Have you any eggs?" it asks.
"Unfortunately I don't."
It turns on the radio and we listen to the World Series.


The telegram arrives at my door. It sings a little ditty about my eviction. I take the news well and give it a dollar. It tips its hat and says, "Good day." I leave my home at once.


I am riding on the back of the elephant. It pays no attention to traffic lights. Soon the police are involved. We are cuffed and thrown in the back of a cruiser. The elephant begins to cry. Within seconds the car is filled with tears. The law rolls down the windows so it can breathe. We take this opportunity to escape.